Let’s get this crazy show of crazy questions and answers back on the road. Yes: the crazy road. Made of bubble wrap and lined with faded rocking horses and big bipedal lizards dressed as clowns.

Q: How you doing guys? Just got some questions about Kinect Sports.
     1. Are there any references to previous Rare titles? Maybe the ability to dress up your avatars in costumes that resemble Conker, Pimple and Joanna? The only thing better than that would be to have the characters themselves actually playable. Oh, that would be divine. You guys are long overdue for an all-star title, all the cool kids are doing it after all (Nintendo, Capcom, Konami, etc.) and in my opinion their characters just don’t have the same amount of personality that yours do.
     …Actually that’s the only question I have about KS. Yup, that’s all. Have a nice day, and may ruination come swiftly to your enemies!
     Josh

A: Thanks Josh! I hope we’re special and you don’t go around wishing ruination on the enemies of just anyone.
     We had a similar question to this before… basically no, we floated the idea of a few classic Rare mascots, but there were concerns that too big a chunk of the wide-ranging Kinect Sports audience would have no reference point and start punching itself in the face in bewilderment. Anyway, I think you’ll find Rare’s character design strengths are all present and correct in the mascot world. Rapid Robot is a figure of cult adoration, Energetic Eye is just one big furry googly eye, and Zippy Zombie or Casual Cactus could easily pull off a shoddy platform game to rival Klungo’s.

Q: My fellow Rare brethren and sisterthren,
     The most terrible of things happened to me today. My N64 broke. For good. No more Banjo-Kazooie for me. Oh, how I mourned my loss. And with no Xbox 360 version to fall back on, I turn to you in this tragic time.
     Rare, for the love of all things shiny and chocolate and covered in glitter that seems to stick to clothes, cushion covers, and meddling pets for countless years and never comes off, get the men upstairs in the suits and the hats to allow you to release BK on the Wii’s Virtual Console. Please!
     Yours sincerely (and, let’s face it, somewhat desperately),
     Ethan
     P.S. Do you know any good dry cleaners?

A: Are you creepy Ethan out of Lost? Can’t see there being any dry cleaners on that island, but then again you never know what’s down those hatches. Wasn’t The Kurgan down one of them?
     Right, yes, the question. Nintendo can basically add any or all of the Rare-produced games in their franchises (DKC, DK64, SFA) to Virtual Console, but anything else that’s still the property of Rare/Microsoft is far more likely to default to XBLA. Perfect Dark and Banjo were considered the biggest draws for an XBLA spit ‘n’ polish, so whether overhauls of any more Rare oldies will be judged ‘economically viable’, Michael Douglas style, is a whole other kettle of fish. We will of course keep you posted should there be any ripples in those waters.

Q: Hope you had a lovely holiday break (me typing that ensures that this will probably end up on the internet sometime this summer). I’ve got a question about your previous work with a company that begins with an “N,” ends with an “O,” and has “intend” in the middle. Not sure if that’s a no-no word now that you guys have been gobbled up by Microsoft. Anyway, Metroid bigwig Yoshio Sakamoto said he once approached another company about making a Metroid for N64, and said company turned him down. Since you talented folks had such a great relationship with the Big N back in the ’90s, I was curious as to whether or not Rare was the company in question. Personally I think Metroids would have looked better with big, googly eyes, but alas, such beauty never came to be.
     Gregor Machenspiel

A: Machenspiel! How’s the machete/glockenspiel supervillain work going? Ticking over?
     Always nice to catch a lungful of a new rumour. Maybe there was once a Metroid-related conversation in the upper echelons of Rare power that never filtered down to the ears of the general staff, but I think it’s more likely that they just approached a completely different company in the first place. That’s a bit crap in terms of juicy sensationalism, isn’t it? Sorry.
     And look, it’s not even close to summer. It’s still only just after the holidays, so your letter about a 15-year-old console is 100% fresh and cutting-edge.

Blast from the Past: December 21, 2005

Q: Dear Scribes,
     I was so glad that Perfect Dark Zero came out! I thought it would never come out since it was cancelled on the Gamecube. Why exactly did it get cancelled? I was also wondering if PDZ would be coming out on any other gaming consoles besides the Xbox 360. There’s the Nintendo DS which could have a little version of it and Sony is coming out with a more powerful console and I was wondering if would be possible to release it on that.
     One more thing. Is the real life PDZ model of Joanna that you see on the TV commercial the same as the previous model from the first PD with slightly longer hair or is it someone different? If so, who is it? That question has been pickin’ at me the past couple weeks.
     Continue to do the great work!
     Joe

A: Um, PDZ never came out on the GameCube because we were bought by Microsoft and releasing exclusive titles for rival platforms would be fairly poor business sense. That’s about all there is to it. For much the same reasons (bar the exclusivity) it’s unlikely you’ll ever see it on the PS3.
     No, I’m fairly sure it’s not the same Joanna model this time around. Let’s just check that with the team: “Different lady. Totally. No shared relatives for fifty generations. The lawyers were very specific about that.”
     I’ve just noticed I didn’t specifically deny a DS edition of Perfect Dark while I was banging on about the PS3 and GameCube – I could easily rectify that, but it’ll be fun to watch the conspiracy theories unravel.

Got a question for Scribes/Mini-Scribes? Send it here. We reserve the right to post it in the next edition, 12 editions from now or on a parallel timeframe to the sun consuming the Earth. More likely to be included: good, inventive questions. Questions that we can be sensibly or legally expected to answer. Hilarious gibberish. Less likely to be included: demands for PS3 GoldenEye, Wii U Conker or variants up to and including Neo Geo Pocket Color Jet Force Gemini. Let’s see what you’ve got!